


Hillywood

by NaNoWriTJMo



Category: Hey Arnold!
Genre: Hey Arnold - The Jungle Movie, NaNoWriMo, nanowritjmo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-06
Updated: 2018-11-19
Packaged: 2019-01-30 04:07:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12645777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NaNoWriTJMo/pseuds/NaNoWriTJMo
Summary: When a famous director decides to use Sunset Arms boarding house as the backdrop for his latest film, Grandpa does everything in his power to turn the potential blockbuster in a verified bust. (Inspired by the 6th Season Hey Arnold! forums concept "Grandpa's Famous Enemy"; this fanfic takes place before the events of TJM) #NaNoWriTJMo





	1. Chapter 1

_Author’s Note: I don’t take full credit for this idea. The original concept of this story was conceived in the “6 th Season Hey Arnold!” forums, under the title “Grandpa’s Famous Enemy”. This is merely a re-imagining of how the story could have potentially been._

Arnold and his friends were playing baseball in Gerald Field when they noticed the first van drive by. At first, they just ignored it, but when Arnold had hit a fly ball onto the other of the street, he and the other children became acutely aware that several large white fans were going down the street in a line.

“What do you reckon is going on, Arnold?” asked a befuddled Stinky.

“I don’t know, Stinky,” replied Arnold. “But I intend to find out.”

The children postponed their baseball game and, with their curiosity getting the better of them, followed the vehicles on foot, by bike, and by any other apparatus they had to get them mobile. Eventually – and to Arnold’s surprise – the vehicles had stopped right in front of Sunset Arms.

“Hey Arnold – is everything alright?” asked Gerald. “Why are all these vans stopping here?”

A final vehicle pulled in front of the boarding house – a long black limo. Out of the limo emerged a middle-aged man in sunglasses and a greying ponytail. The kids, who were all hiding  in a nearby alley and scoping out the scene, watched as the man ascended the steps of the boarding house and knocked on the front door.

Sid grabbed onto Arnold as though he would tear his shirt off. “Arnold, do you KNOW who that is?”

“Not really,” admitted Arnold. “Should I?”

“Is that….yeah, I definitely think it  is….oh man….!” Exclaimed Harold.

“Slow down, big boy,” said Gerald. “So who is that guy?”

“It’s Gilbert C. Ratta – the legendary horror movie director!” said Sid, barely able to contain his excitement.

“Oh, come on – are you blind?” snapped an unimpressed Helga. “No way that’s Gil Ratta – what business would he have scoping out a dump like Arnold’s place? No offense, football-head.”

Arnold rolled his eyes.

“Who cares WHY he’s here?” said Harold. “I’m gonna see if I can get his autograph WHILE he’s here!” Harold left the safety of the alley to go to the boarding house, but not before the other kids tried to restrain him.

“Don’t be stupid, Harold!” said Sid. “You wanna scare the guy off?”

“Yeah, don’t be a dadgum fanboy!” added Stinky.

“But Ratta’s like my hero – I just gotta meet him!”

As the group was distracted with trying to subdue a zealous Harold, the door to Sunset Arms finally opened. A crowd of cats and dogs (followed by a solitary pig), filed out of the boarding house and down the street, and then Grandpa appeared at the entrance.

“Hey there, Phil! Long time no see, huh?”

“Can I help you?” asked Grandpa.

“Come on, old-timer, is hasn’t been that long? Don’t you remember me?”

Phil looked the newcomer up and down, then shrugged. “Sorry, can’t say I have?”

The man at the door was unfazed. “Ah, you old trickster! It’s me Phil – it’s Gilbert!”

“Gilbert, Gilbert, no sorry that name doesn’t ring a bell, but thanks for playing – have a good day!” Grandpa was about to slam the door in his face, but a foot came out of nowhere and prevented it from closing.

“Holy smokes!” exclaimed Ernie, who was suddenly at the entrance with Grandpa. “It’s famed horror director Gilbert C. Ratta!”

“The one and only,” Gilbert smiled.

Mr. Hyunh came to the door as well. “Gilbert C. Ratta? Ohh – I love his movies! They are so very creepy!”

“Oskar!” came the voice of Suzie from within the boarding house. “You have to come see! Gilbert C. Ratta is here!”

Oskar poked his head out from the kitchen. “Gilbert C. Ratta? Oh boy, oh boy – he must’ve finally read the screenplay!”

“What are you out here in the cold? Come on Grandpa, invite our guest in!”

The hands of several boarders reached out and literally pulled Gilbert in to the boarding house before Grandpa could offer a word of objection. Inside, Gilbert slowly took in the interior of the building and whistled. “Wow…this place hasn’t changed one bit. I gotta hand it to ya, Phil – you certainly knew how to keep the charge of this old place intact!”

“So what brings you in the neighborhood?” asked an engrossed Ernie.

“Yes, and are you looking for a writer for your next screenplay?”

“Well boys,” said Gilbert as he made his way past Grandpa and made himself comfortable in his favourite couch. “To tell you the truth, I was on a little reconnaissance mission. I was looking for the perfect locale for my next film, and I think I just found it.”

“You mean…”

“That’s right – I want to film Blood & Gore right here in the boarding house!”

“Oh no, absolutely not!” exclaimed Grandpa.

“But Phil—“

But before Gilbert could finish his sentence, Harold burst through the doors made his way toward the director (even with Stinky and Sid trying their hardest to contain him).

“I can’t believe you’re here!” said Harold. “You are my idol! I swear I must’ve seen Blood & Gore 1-4 like eleven times each! Could you please sign my head?”

“Uh, well maybe I’ll just sign our hat instead,” said Gilbert as he took Harold’s blue hat in one hand and signed it with a pen in the other. “Say, how would you like to be an extra in my next movie?”

“Are you kidding?! That would be like a dream come true!”

“Well, don’t let me stop you from pinching yourself, because the dream has officially become a reality. You’re in it. In fact, all of you can play extras in the next installment of the Blood & Gore franchise, set to be filmed right here in the decrepitly beautiful Sunset Arms!”

Boarders and children exclaimed alike at the news, and everyone began to chatter excitedly. Everyone, that is, except Grandpa, who walked to the centre of the room to get everyone’s attention.

“Wait a minute – wait a minute! Now I’m the owner of this property and I say no way in heck any sort of nonsense slasher film getting filmed in this boarding house!”

“What?!” yelled Ernie angrily.

“Grandpa, how can you say that?” said Oskar. “His movies are like an institution. By filming here, this place is transformed from a dump to a work of art!”

“Stop calling me grandpa, and stop calling this place a dump!” yelled Grandpa. “What I say goes, and what I say is that there will absolutely no filming here!”

The entire group in the boarding house groaned in disappointment.

Gil scratched the back of his head sheepishly. “Gee, Phil…I dunno what to say. I’ve always had such good memories of the boarding house…I’d thought you’d be happy  that I chose this place…”

“Yeah, well guess what, you chose wrong, life’s funny that way huh? Now I want you and you little entourage out of here, pronto!”

Grandpa opened the front door, and a dejected crowd filed out of the boarding house, grumbling along the way. Oskar, Mr. Hyunh, and Ernie sulked as they ascended the steps upstairs to their respective rooms.

As the last one to leave, Gilbert turned around one last time when he was standing at the top of the stoop.

“You’re right – it’s a bit much to consider. Why don’t you sleep on it; take a night to realize how much good the exposure could do for a place like this. I’ll be back tomorrow morning when you’ve thought it over.”

Phil slammed the door in his face. “Yeah, don’t hold your breath, Gil.” He chuckled softly to himself and brushed his hands together in smug satisfaction, but when he turned around he was facing his grandson Arnold, who folded his arms together and had a disappointed look on his face.

“Grandpa,” he said. “You knew all along who that man was, didn’t you?”

Grandpa sighed in defeat. “Okay, Shortman – ya got me.I knew exactly who that was. Guy practically grew up here.”

“Then why did you lie?”

“Because he was a little terror when he lived here!” exclaimed Grandpa, walking past Arnold and making a beeline for the kitchen. “Even as a little kid, Gilbert was always breaking things and filming things and just making a monster of a mess for you and your Grandmother to pick up. In fact, after he moved out, he was the reason we put up the “No Kids” sign, I couldn’t bear to have another Gilbert living in this building!”

“But it sounds like he really wants to do right by this boarding house, Grandpa!” countered Arnold. “And I think he really loves the place – while else would he choose it for the location of his next movie? I think he’s trying to redeem himself?”

“Yeah well, I don’t know…” Grandpa opened the fridge and pulled out a pint of raspberries, then started popping them into his mouth one by one.

Arnold looked at him quizzically. “Uh, Grandpa…what are you doing?”

“I’m stress eating, Shortman,” Grandpa said matter-of-factly.

“But don’t you always say…”

“’Never eat raspberries’. Well, thanks to this little episode with Gilbert, I feel like the only way to get my mind of the stress is to stress another part of my body, and I ain’t talking about my brain.”

Arnold sighed. “Look. Just give it some thought like Gilbert said. I know you two didn’t see eye to eye when he lived here. But who knows? Maybe if you let him do the movie here, you and him could wind up being the best of friends.”

Grandpa’s stomach gurgled, and he placed both hands on his belly. “Uh-huh. Well as touching as that sentiment is, the only friend I’d rather get acquainted with is my porcelain pal on the second floor. Now if you’ll excuse me.”

Grandpa quickly exited the kitchen and ran up the stairs.

 

* * *

 

 

Later that night, Grandpa was tossing and turning in bed as he mulled over the days events.

“Uh…lousy Gilbert,” muttered Grandpa. “Stupid raspberries…if only there was a way I could…*gasp*…that’s it!”

Grandpa leapt out of bed in his underwear and sat at the desk in his room, scribbling furiously on a piece of paper and laughing malevolently all the while.


	2. Chapter 2

Grandpa and Gil sat across from one another at the kitchen table in Sunset Arms. Arnold stood beside Grandpa for encouragement.

"I must say, I was a little surprised when you called me so early," began Gil. "But I'm happy you decided to come around on letting me film here. Why the change of heart?"

"Oh, you know…what can I say? Sometimes I'm just a big ol' softy like that," said Grandpa. "Besides, how could I say no to Arnold and his little friends? Apparently they eat this stuff up!" He ruffled Arnold's head for emphasis.

Gil chuckled. "Right. So you said there was something you wanted to tell me in person?"

"Yeah…I'll let you create your movie here on ONE condition: you have to live here for the duration of the filming."

"What? That's it? Heck yeah, I'll move back in! Living under these walls again are bound to inspire some great ideas!"

"Uh-huh. And of course you'll be paying rent while you're here, and then there's the deposit…"

"Done and done!" exclaimed Gil. "Heck, I'll even tack a few extra dollars on top so you can spruce the place up when we've wrapped."

"Sounds wonderful," said Grandpa. "All you have to do is sign the tenant agreement and you'll be good to go…"

Grandpa slid a piece a paper across the table toward Gil, who eagerly took the pen from Grandpa's hand and proceeded to sign without reading. "Incredible! I gotta tell ya, Phil – I was worried about coming over here again. I didn't think we'd see eye to eye, but I'm glad we could find some common ground and work this out."

Grandpa clasped his fingers together, his elbows on the table. "So am I," he said ominously.

Gil handed Grandpa back his pen and the tenant agreement, then walked over to shake his hand vigorously. "Thank you! I promise you won't regret this!" he said before exiting the boarding house.

"I'm proud of you, Grandpa," Arnold said. "I think the movie will help not just the boarding house but the rest of the neighborhood too. This might even be good for all of Hillwood!"

"Yes, we're running a veritable Hillywood studios, here, Shortman," Grandpa said, then started laughing sinisterly.

"Uh…Grandpa? Are you alright?"

"Huh? Oh, I'm fine, I just had to clear my throat," reasoned Grandpa. "Now if you'll excuse me, it's time for me to watch my stories."

He grabbed the tenant agreement and the pen and scuttled out of the room before Arnold could get suspicious.

* * *

 

"Okay everyone! Quiet on the set!"

Day 1 of filming was underway, and the hallway of the second floor of Sunset Arms was transformed into a closed set. The boarders, Arnold, and his friends stood in the background and witnessed movie magic being made. Lola the actress and her famous male lead Maurice (of Abdicator fame) were getting their makeup done as the camera crew set everything up for the first scene.

"Okay, Lola, now remember your motivation," Gil said to Lola as she glanced over the script. "You are the attractive, lonely landlord of this haunted estate. The hero suspects you are keeping a dark secret from him, but you refuse to cooperate, instead using your feminine wiles to seduce him into staying longer than necessary."

"Right," said the curvaceous brunette as she stood from the makeup chair and prepared for her scene.

"Hey, can I put on a British accent?" asked Maurice (who naturally sported a thick Eastern European accent)..

"Wonderful idea!" said Gil. "Let's film this scene, and afterwards we'll see if the footage is taking us in that direction. Alright? Places, people! Lights, camera, action!"

Lola went for her mark and faced the male lead.

"I don't like this place," said Maurice. "I can't stay here. There's something in the air that makes it feel sinister. Almost….evil."

Lola put her hands around Maurice's chest and looked at him with big doe eyes. "Oh but you can't go!" she pleaded. "I need you here! You must help me solve the mystery of my missing father. If you do, I'll e forever in your debt."

The camera zoomed in to the pivotal scene where tension – or something resembling tension – was to appear between the two leads, and held there for several seconds as they looked into each other's eyes.

"Cut!" cried a voice over the scene.

"Cut?! Who yelled cut?!" said Gil indignantly. "Only I'm allowed to say 'cut'!"

"I did!" said Grandpa. "And for your information, there are now two people in this house with directorial privileges!"

"What are you talking about?"

"Read 'em and weep, Gil!" said Grandpa, pulling the tenant agreement from his back pocket and holding it to Gil's face. "Or rather,  _don't_  read 'em and weep! You were never one for the finer details, and now it will cost you!"

Gil grabbed the tenant agreement from Grandpa's hand and scanned it quickly. "As tenant of Sunset Arms, you are heretofor obligated to… _yadda yadda_ …monthly obligation of rent…. _et cetera et cetera_ ….as tenant of this unit you are obligated to submit to the whims and and fancy of the lessor indefinitely and in perpetuity within the entire universe…WHAT?!"

"That's right, Gil!" so long as you're living under this roof, you gotta listen to me! That means your movie is now my movie as well. Hope you're willing to share that director's credit!"

Realizing he'd been duped, Gil rubbed the back of his neck and grimace. "Guess you really got me there, huh, Phil? No matter – I can still make this work."

"Just a minute!" said Grandpa. "As co-director of this schlock-fest, I'm permitted to suggest a few changes to the script."

Gil gritted his teeth. "Alright – what did you want to change?"

"Hmm…" Grandpa pondered for a moment, then snapped his finger and pointed at Maurice. "You! I want you to try out that British accent you were asking about earlier!"

Maurice looked excited, meanwhile Gil looked like he might be sick. Everyone got in position to refilm the scene.

"Blimey! don't like this place….what-what?," said Maurice, affecting a horrible mangling of the British accent. Lola cringed throughout the entire awkward scene, unable to get back into character.

"And cut…" said Gil, disheartened.

Grandpa clapped his hands vigorously. "Brilliant! Bravo! Encore! Okay, that's one scene down, we don't need to reshoot that again. Let's move on!"

Maurice nodded enthusiastically while Gil leaned back in his director chair in resignation.

"What have I done…?"


	3. Chapter 3

"Grandpa, this is insane! You have to put a stop to this!"

Arnold was in his grandparents' bedroom later than evening when the cast and crew had gone home for the night. Arnold was sitting on their bed, watching Grandpa as he did his nightly calisthenics in his BVDs.

"On the contrary, Shortman," Grandpa countered, bending over to touch his toes. "I think with my help, Gil is on the fast track to win an award – a Razzie award, that is!" He burst out laughing.

"Come on, Grandpa – this isn't funny! This movie means a lot to Gil, and a lot to everyone else in the boarding house as well. You saw how everyone reacted when Gil arrived – they all loved his work!"

Grandpa scoffed. "Well that's because the whole lot of 'em have poor taste in cinema. As far as I'm concern, Gilbert C. Ratta is not a world-famous director, he's a troublemaker and a hack! Always has been and always will be!"

"But Grandpa—"

"But nothing!" snapped Grandpa, walking over to Arnold and shooing him off the bed. "Trust me, Shortman, you're too young to understand. I know you want me to do the right thing, but this is retribution over 40 years in the making. Ratta's had it coming and not you or anyone else are gonna stop me from doling out punishment! Now shoo, go on! Go to sleep or do your homework, or practice your recorder or whatever…"

He pushed Arnold out the bedroom and slammed the door in his face. Arnold merely sighed in defeat.

* * *

Day 2 of filming was not much better. Every so often, Grandpa would walk on set in front of the camera and deliberately ruin a shot, or he would make an outlandish suggestion to which Gil had no choice but to comply. In one scene he had the actors speak pig Latin. In another he forced Lola to deliver her lines while wearing a comically-oversized sombrero.

By noon, production was halted for lunch.

"I need a stiff drink," muttered Gil.

Once again Arnold confronted Grandpa. "Okay, you've had your fun, Grandpa – this is really getting out of hand."

"I know!" Grandpa whispered giddily. "Isn't it great? I think ol's Gil's ready to blow a gasket!"

"Grandpa…

Suddenly, Maurice ran down the hall with his hand over his mouth as he made a beeline for the bathroom. After several minutes, a production assistant knocked on the door.

"Uh…excuse me?" he said. "Maurice? You okay in there?"

Maurice didn't respond, but there was the unmistakable sound of vomiting coming from the other side of the door.

The production assistant looked at Gil. "I think it's food poisoning, sir."

"Well, what did you expect?" barked Ernie. "You let Grandma of all people provide the catering for this production! That's like playing Russian Roulette with your digestive system! You should know that was risky! Didn't you used to grow up here?"

"Of course I know that!" replied Gil. "But I didn't have a choice – he insisted that Gertie be in charge of craft service!"

"I guess we'll have to delay production," said the production assistant.

"Absolutely not!" said Gil. "Besides, we didn't need Maurice for the next few scenes anyway. We can use a stand-in."

He scanned the room for a suitable replacement; eventually his eyes stopped on Arnold. "Hey, kid! I could really use your help to film the next scene."

"Who me?" Arnold said, incredulously. "But I'm not an actor…"

"GIL!" Lola stomped over to Gil, fuming. Her once comely face was painted in gaudy hues of yellow on the eyes, green on the cheeks, and purple lipstick.

"Lola, sweetie, baby, what's the matter?" he said.

"Don't 'Lola, sweetie, baby' me!" she yelled. "I did not sign up for this part to look like a clown!"

"I know, I know, it's just that….we decided to go in a different direction for your makeup."

"What direction: PT Barnum?! And explain this!" Lola thrust the script in Gil's face. "Where did all these changes come from? The story makes no sense now! It's like it was written by someone who can barely read!"

"Eh-heh-heh-heh…." Oskar laughed in the background.

"Well, we were given another script to work with," explained Gil. "Look, can you just try and make the most out of it?"

"YOU make it work – WITHOUT ME! I quit!" She slammed the script on the ground and stormed out.

"Lola, wait!" Gil buried his head in his hands. "Now what am I going to do…" Grandpa tapped him on the shoulder and he looked up. "What is it now, Phil…?"

"Well, since you've already got my grandson subbing for Maurice. Why not go all out and replace Lola as well? Arnold's little friend would make a good replacement."

"Fine….this day is a write-off anyway," sighed Gil. "Young lady?" Helga pointed to herself amongst the others watching in the crowd. "Yeah, you…"

A crewmember handed Helga a script as she stood beside Arnold.

"Guess we're playing opposite each other," said Arnold. "Isn't this exciting? It's just like when we did  _Romeo and Juliet_  together!"

"Hmph," said Helga as she studied the script. "Don't weight me down, football-head. Face it: your acting in the play was as wooden as Pinocchio's shins…"

"Quiet on the set!" commanded Gil, sitting in his director's chair. "Marker….action!"

"I think we're safe now," said Arnold, reciting his lines.

"Oh….nay, we are but delaying the inevitable," Helga said with an actor's flair. "For doom permeates the very foundation of this accursed house, just as it infests our souls and hearts. Demise is imminent…and we are but two hapless beings….trapped in yearning forms of flesh…destined for unconsummated ruin!"

As Helga said her lines, she moved closer and closer to Arnold until they were practically nose-to-nose apart.

"Whoa," said Gil. "Cut."

Helga pulled back just as Arnold fell to the ground in shock. She sniffed haughtily and flipped her hair. "Get on my level."

Grandpa clapped enthusiastically, and even Gil broke a tiny smile.

"See? That wasn't so bad, now was it?"

"I gotta admit, Phil – she's pretty good!" said Gil.

"Wonderful! And you know how we can make this scene even better?"

Gil's smile faltered. "No…?"

Grandpa turned to the group of boarders and kids on the set. "Good news, everyone! Gil is writing you all into the movie!"

Everyone burst into cheers at the revelation. Gil's right eye began to twitch ever so slightly.

Phil patted Gil on the back again. "Ain't no biz like showbiz, eh Gilly? Have fun."


	4. Chapter 4

Helga entered the Pataki household and made her way to the kitchen. Along the way, she passed the living room, where Big Bob was sitting on the couch and watching  _The Wheel._

"What are you doing home so late?" Big Bob asked gruffly.

"Busy making a movie," she said as she entered the kitchen.

"Uh-huh," Big Bob said, while staring at the television screen. After a beat, he realized what she said and followed her into the kitchen, where she was opening the refrigerator door. "What movie?"

Helga pulled out a cartoon of orange juice and closed the fridge door. "If you must know, Gilbert C. Ratta's filming a new horror movie over at Arnold's boarding house. It's a bit of a mess right now, but if I play my cards right, I might even get a credit."

"You don't say," Big Bob pondered over this information as he grabbed a glass from the cupboard, then grabbed the carton and filled it so he could give to Helga. As she reached for it, Big Bob pulled it away slightly. "Y'know, business has been kinda sluggish over at the Beeper Emporium. Maybe you can use your role to promote me a little bit…"

"And mess with my credibility? Uh yeah, not a chance," she grabbed for the glass again; once again Big Bob held it out of her reach.

"I'll pay you $500," Big Bob said. This time he handed her the glass, setting the carton on the counter. "Just think about it, okay?"

He left the kitchen. Helga leaned against the counter and sipped her juice absentmindedly, contemplating the offer.

* * *

"Quiet on the set!" commanded Gil. Everyone got into their positions as they prepared to film the next scene at the boarding house. At the behest of Grandpa, Gil had fired all the regular cast and replaced them with the children in Arnold's grade. He also had to swap his crew for the boarders, so now it was Ernie who held the boom mic (which kept dipping into shots), and Mr. Hyunh who held the camera.

"It's fine, it's OK…" Gil tried to convince himself. "Production values may have taken a nosedive, but this girl's got the right stuff. We might be able to salvage this trainwreck yet….ACTION!"

The scene started with Arnold and a groups surrounding Helga, who was wearing a robe and kneeling on the ground, clutching her sides and moaning.

"Madam, are you alright?" Arnold asked.

"She's been taken by the spirits of the house, I reckon," said Stinky (whose character was dressed up in a suit and wearing mustache to make him appear older).

"My word, she's possessed!" cried Sheena.

Everyone took a step back as a moaning Helga slowly stood up and outstretched her hands as though she were a zombie. She turned to face the group.

"Listen! She speaks!" said Gerald.

" _Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiit's Big Bob's Beepers, he's the king, Big Bob's Beepers, ching-ching-ching! Big Bob's Beepers!"_

Helga did a dance as she sang the jingle, culminating with her ripping the robe off, revealing a BIG BOB'S BEEPER t-shirt underneath, which she made sure to prominently display on camera.

"Cut, cut cut!" yelled Gil. "Helga, what the heck was that?! I didn't give you the OK to adlib!"

"Just a minute, Gil," said Grandpa, walking over to Helga. "You should be thanking this girl! She had the foresight to recognize exactly what this film needed: MORE PRODUCT PLACEMENT! In fact, I insist that at least 20% of the scenes include beepers and cell phones."

"But this movie takes place in the 19th century!" pleaded Gil.

"Details, shmetails," replied Grandpa. "If your movie's any good, the audience will be so scared they won't even notice something as inconsequential as beeper in the 1800s. Okay, let's keep going!"

"I….I need to take five," Gil said quietly, walking off the set.

Everyone murmured amongst themselves while Grandpa laughed raucously.

* * *

Arnold found Gil sitting on the ground in the middle of their backyard. Abner must have followed him, because he was petting the pig with one hand while resting his chin on the other hand. He sat next to the director on the ground.

"Hey, Gil – you alright?" asked Arnold.

Gil sighed. "I'm ruined, Arnie," he admitted. "I can't make the movie I want with all these restrictions."

"It's because of Grandpa," Arnold said. "He's gung-ho on this revenge kick and nothing I say can persuade him otherwise."

"The funny thing is, I don't even mind all that," said Gil. "I actually deserved it – I was a real terror when I lived here at Sunset Arms."

"You were?"

Gil nodded, and proceeded to scratch Abner's tummy. "Your grandparents were gracious enough to let my folks and me move in from off the streets," Gil explained. "We had no money, but in exchange for doing odd jobs and cleaning the boarding house we were allowed to stay rent-free. That would've been alright, if it wasn't for my overactive imagination. I pranked your poor grandmother more times I can remember. And I nearly burned the place down when I tried to film with fire in my first home video.

Eventually we were able to stand on our own two feet and we left Sunset Arms. But I never forgot this place." Gil looked wistfully at the old building. "So many memories. So many good ideas….my best ideas…were born here and later turned into some of my greatest works. I just thought if I filmed my biggest franchise here, I could bury the hatchet with your grandpa and we'd finally get along. I guess I was wrong. Phil must truly hate me."

He wiped a tear from his eye.

"I don't think Grandpa HATES you," said Arnold. "But I think still he's bitter about the past and suspects that you're trying to pull a fast one over him. I think if you just told him everything that you told me, he'd see the error of his ways and come around with all his crazy demands."

"Oh, I can't do that, Arnold," Gil said sullenly. "I think I'd feel even worse I'd laid my soul bare to him and he still rejected me. Then I don't know what I'd do."

"Let me talk to him."

"Okay, but I don't see what good that will do now…"

Arnold stood up. "Trust me," he said. But even as he returned to the boarding house, he had no clue how to change his Grandpa's mind.

As he made his way upstairs, he ran into Mr. Hyunh, who was still holding the camera.

"Oh, Arnold! I'm glad I bumped into you!" said Mr. Hyunh. "My camera skills, they are not very good. I thought I'd practice a bit before we start filming again. Tell me – does this look good to you?"

Mr. Hyunh replayed the footage of the camera. Arnold's eyes widened. "Mr. Hyunh! This is perfect! This is exactly what he needs to see!"

Mr. Hyunh beamed. "Oh thank you, but I would be too nervous to show Mr. Ratta himself that I—"

"No, not Gil – Grandpa! Come on, follow me!" he grabbed Mr. Hyunh by the hand and together they ran the rest of the way upstairs to find the incorrigible Steely Phil.


	5. Chapter 5

Grandpa sat in silence and watched as Arnold replayed the footage recorded by Mr. Hyunh on the living room television. After much cajoling, Arnold was able to convince him to watch the recording; he originally thought it was footage from the movie, but it was actually of Gil himself, talking with Arnold and confessing his true intentions for filming at the boarding house.

"Now do you see?" asked Arnold after he watched the entire conversation.

Grandpa lowered his head. "I…I didn't know. I didn't realize he came to apologize. All this time, I thought he was still that punk kid. Guess he really did change…."

"That's what I've been saying from the start!" said Arnold. "He really loves this place, Grandpa. It may be just mindless schlock to you, but to Gil filming in the boarding house is like a love letter to his childhood. Don't take that from him."

Grandpa stood up, slapping his fist into his palm with conviction. "You're right, Shortman! I've got to make this right again! Oh, if only I knew how…"

"I have an idea where you can start," said Arnold.

* * *

When Big Bob got wind of the production troubles, he decided to take advantage of the situation and went over to Sunset Arms in a bid to annex the directorial duties. His associate Nick Vermicelli began handing out BIG BOB'S BEEPERS t-shirts to the rest of the cast and ordered them to wear them while on screen.

This was all too much for Helga. "Come on, Dad – this is ridiculous! No amount of money is worth this! You're ruining the film!"

"Hey hey hey!" barked Big Bob. "Hate to break it to you, but your creative integrity means bupkus in the face of the almighty dollar. As long as Gil's out of the picture, my assistant director Nick and I are commandeering this production and filling every nook and cranny with product placement for my business. And if you still want to be in this movie, you'll get back in line and promote some beepers!"

"You can take your stupid beepers and SHOVE IT! I quit!" Helga ripped the t-shirt off and stormed off the set just as Gil, Arnold, and Grandpa were coming up the stairs.

"Ah – who needs her anyway?" said Big Bob. "We got plenty of inexpensive kids here just dying to be in this film. Hey, you three –" he pointed to Curly, Sheena, and Harold " – wanna be stars?"

"Do I?!" said Curly. "Do I get to improvise?"

"Sure, whatever – as long as you remember to mention Big Bob's Beepers."

"Hot dog!" Curly ripped off HIS t-shirt, revealing a black leotard underneath, and proceeded to do interpretive dance before grabbing a nearby bag of beepers. "SOMEBODY STOP ME!" he yelled, throwing beepers at Harold and Sheena and anyone else in his wake while laughing maniacally.

"Alright – that's it!" Gil said, finally stepping in. "I'm wresting back control of this production!"

"Yeah, right!" said Big Bob. "I know a thing or two about bad deals, and I heard you signed the granddaddy of bad deals, meaning you've lost your power!"

"That's right," said Gil. "But I think you're forgetting one thing."

"Yeah! And that's the Granddaddy!" said Grandpa. "That's me! I'm him! And as lessor of the tenant agreement, I have the power to nullify the terms. And guess what? They are officially null and void!"

He pulled the tenant agreement out of his pocket and ripped up in several pieces before tossing the shreds in Big Bob's face with a grand flourish.

"So hit the road, Jack!...or Bob, or whatever your name is…take your weasel and get off of my property!"

"Fine!" Big Bob said indignantly. "Come on, Nick, let's bounce. We've gotta catch that crazy kid that ran off with half my merchandise anyway."

* * *

About a block away, a bored Jolly Olly Man waited impatiently for a kid to choose his ice cream.

"BEEPER-JITSU!" yelled Curly, whapping the Jolly Olly Man in the face with the bag of beepers.

* * *

After Big Bob and Nick left, Grandpa turned to Gil.

"Look…I'm sorry for all the trouble I've caused you," said Grandpa. "I realize now that you just wanted to make a good movie. Can you ever forgive me?"

"Phil! That's all I ever wanted from you in the first place! Come here, you old coot!" Gil outstretched his arms and the two of them hugged. When the hug was over, Gil turned to address everyone who remained and still had faith in the movie.

"Sorry about the delay, folks!" he said. That's the nature of the beast in this industry. At least we didn't have to wait 15 years, am I right?"

The group laughed. "But the show must go on! I may have to do a bit of groveling to get our two leads back, but come heck or high water this movie will get made!"

The crowd cheered. Gil smiled at Grandpa and Grandpa returned the gesture, the feud finally put to an end.

* * *

Filming wrapped a few weeks later. Several months later, Gil held an advance screening of  _Blood & Gore 5_ at Sunset Arms for everyone involved, child and boarder alike.

The entire living room was filmed to brim as everyone tried to get a good view on the boarding house's television set. As the movie played, Grandpa placed a hand on Arnold's shoulder.

"You were right, Shortman," he said. "This was a great thing for the neighborhood.

"I told you," said Arnold. "And aren't you glad that you and Gil aren't enemies anymore?"

"Yeah…I guess Gil is an okay guy after all…"

"Shh!" said Ernie. "I can't hear my scene!"

It was the part of the movie where Maurice tried to protect Lola from some threat offscreen. Maurice was knocked out, so then Ernie appeared on screen to defend Lola.

"Don't worry, love!" said Ernie (wearing a stovepipe hat and affecting a cockney chimneysweep accent). "I'll keep you from danger, I will!"

Lola gave a textbook scream queen screech. "It's…so…horrifying…!"

The scene cut and the audience gasped, then burst into hysterical laughter. For instead of some hideous creature, it was Grandpa in his BVDs doing his stretches.

"Gil!" yelled Grandpa.

"Sorry, Phil," Gil said, laughing. "I couldn't resist! You gotta admit: Hyunh's camerawork has really improved!"

Grandpa chased Gil around the living room as everyone continued to laugh and enjoy the movie.

"I guess some things never change," Gerald said to Arnold. Arnold shrugged and the two joined in with the laughter.

**THE END**


End file.
